November 16, 2007

Saddle sore

OK, this is obviously extremely odd behaviour. But where's the crime here? There's no victim. There's no lewd or offensive public display. Nothing at all. And yet this poor sod is now on the Sex Offenders' Register for three years. Madness. If they can convict you of this, what can't they convict you of?

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation.

Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years.       
          
Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr.                              

Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: "They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply.                  

"They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down.

"The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex."                

Both cleaners, who were "extremely shocked", told the hostel manager who called police.

Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'.

16 Nov 2007 02:48:04 | Lunacy, O Tempora, O Mores, Scotland

22 Comments

freaktown

I like how the cleaning people were "shocked" that someone would be naked in their own bedroom...

god...the absurdity of it all. leave the poor guy alone. he was in his bedroom minding his own business. you can't just bust in on people like that...

Posted by: freaktown | November 16, 2007 at 07:10 PM

imp

Masturbation is the new adultery. Adultery is the new monogamy. Monogamy is the new rape.

Posted by: imp | November 16, 2007 at 07:36 PM

Dana

But Officer, my Klein Q-Pro was just so sexy!

http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/1720/1267/1600/102713IMG_1209.2.jpg

Posted by: Dana | November 16, 2007 at 07:52 PM

ZiggyTosh

Seriously. It's not like it was a tricycle or anything.

Posted by: ZiggyTosh | November 16, 2007 at 07:54 PM

Isaac

"She said she was 18!"

Posted by: Isaac | November 16, 2007 at 07:56 PM

huckupchuck

What's the difference between a soft, oiled, leather bicycle seat and a cotton sock or a collection of tissue paper? Leave the man alone.

Posted by: huckupchuck | November 16, 2007 at 09:45 PM

mercury

There are plenty of bi-sexuals, right? Reminds me of that Queen song for some reason:

Bicycle bicycle bicycle
I want to ride my bicycle

I want to ride my bike
I want to ride my bicycle
I want to ride it where I like

Posted by: mercury | November 17, 2007 at 03:02 PM

Banana Seat

Sorry, I was too ashamed to admit it was consensual.

Posted by: Banana Seat | November 25, 2007 at 06:01 AM

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